Perv or Paladin: A LitRPG Harem Comedy by Andrew Karevik & LitRPG Freaks

Author:Andrew Karevik & LitRPG Freaks
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2021-12-21T08:00:00+00:00

Chapter 29

The fetal position! That would be the name of this brilliant tactic, as I had curled up in a ball, my armor easily absorbing the dozens of blows from the now useless clubs.

“Why are his sultry clothes—available at low, low prices—

impossible to penetrate with our stiff, firm rods!” Tecko said.

I paused to perform the Belleran Sign of Innuendo, but these barbarians didn’t even bother to acknowledge the miracle of wordplay, opting instead to grab my legs and start dragging me. “Oh come on, have you no respect for faith?” I yelped as my head bounced off the cobblestone.

“Sir?” Ren shouted once more. “What do we do? They seem to be able to do this legally and that means by our own creed I cannot intervene!”

“Ow, ow, ow, ow,” I replied. The old man who had finally sat up glared at me, forcing me to apologize for taking his lines.

“Say the word, Lucky baby,” a calm, sultry voice said from the crowd. Vera! Of course, she could help me! “And I shall deliver you!”

I turned to face the source of the voice to see it was indeed the vampire, who was now wearing a bright blue raincoat with the hood up. In her left hand was a bottle of ‘blood seasoning’. “Um, sit this one out!” I quickly yelped as they continued to pull me into the town square.

The crowd followed, everyone laughing and jeering at me, though really I just mostly heard the deafening buzz of skull sliding against stone. Until eventually the noise went away. I wonder if that’s concerning. Oh well.

Time went by rather quickly as I was tied to a long stake, alongside a rather striking woman with the whitest of skins. Despite the fact that she too was tied to a burning pole, her long red hair was free, flowing in the air as if there were wind where there was none.

Or maybe I just couldn’t feel the wind due to the intense facial damage I received from that club. Sigh. Praise be.

“Why so glum?” the woman beside me asked. She seemed calmed and poised, speaking with the patience and genteelness of someone patient and genteel.

“They’re going to burn us alive!” I shouted, panic overtaking me. What about the noose and the box and the rickety platform that

— Oh my goddess, they were killing Berellans. That’s why everyone was so scared of Townopolis. And why they wouldn’t leave the cloister. And why they were all convinced I’d be dead in a week.

Damn, what day was it? Did I at least beat the spread? Why did I always take gambling advice from the same prophet?

“That is a conundrum,” she replied, looking down at the pyre where more sticks were being gathered. Renda was waving cheerily at me and blowing me kisses. Vera was waving a fork and knife at me while shrugging suggestively. Well, I mean her shrug suggested she wanted to help, but her suggestiveness was what bounced with the shrug. Damn, I couldn’t die

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